Tuesday, March 3, 2009

ashes, ashes. We all fall down.

After breaking out of the starting blocks of Ash Wednesday, ready for a spiritual rebirth, today (less than a week later) I feel as though I'm already failing miserably. Our beautifully crayoned stations of the cross lasted just hours on the wall. I had forgotten that Lucy is interested in everything within reach now...she tore them down and crumbled them in no time. Our family rosary this evening ended after just one decade. I was so frustrated by the time we got that far...kids giggling, disrespectful, our worst yet. Off to bed they went. Even my 1/2 hour at Adoration yesterday left me feeling terribly guilt-ridden. The harder I tried to focus on Him in prayer and silent reflection, the harder I had to fight being overcome with sleep. I've never had anything like that happen before. It took everything in me just to stay awake, and spend time with Him. I'm understanding now how it must have been for the apostles at Gethsemene. I never did fall asleep, but I was close. How horrible is that. For each step I try to take forward, I feel as though I'm stumbling back a bit.
The good news is (I must keep telling myself) there's lots more time to keep picking myself up and trying again. Surely there will be more hurdles and roadblocks along this journey, but through perserverance and much prayer, I hope to maintain focus and draw nearer to Him and His will for me.
In the meantime, instead of a snack (which is what I usually choose when I'm feeling bummed) I opted for a snuggle. Charlie asked me to squeeze in between him and Frank tonight, so I did just that. I laid with them for a good half an hour before I couldn't resist the call of the kitchen needing cleaned up for the night, oh and laundry, bathroom, etc. I'm grateful for the little moments with the kids, when all is right with the world...ending the day on a good note.

1 comment:

wife, mother and so much more! said...

That's probably about how Mother Teresa felt on those days when she didn't feel the touch of Jesus.

Look how much closer you are to many Saints--experiencing some of thoughts and feelings they all felt at one time. Like you said, pick yourself up and keep going,the gifts are bound to pour out!!