Tuesday, April 21, 2009

(pity) party of one

(crashed by the Spirit)
I can't say that I get terribly depressed or down too often. In general, I have a pretty positive, healthy outlook on life. But on occasion, I have myself a nice little pity-party. Today was a good one. It started when Alice mentioned to me on her way out the door for school, that she'd had a dream last night that we were going to have another baby. She was pretty excited about it and mentioned more than once that she hoped it would come true. I love that. I think it's wonderfully sweet that our kids, especially the older ones recognize the gift of life. I'd be happy to bring another tiny miracle into this world myself. However, the sweetness was kind of sucked right out of it later as I turned things around in my mind and began with the sad thoughts of little Cy, the baby we lost just a few short months ago. I still long to hold him, and wonder if perhaps losing him is God's way of telling us there are to be no more babies. It makes me very sad to imagine never holding a beautiful newborn again. Not that my life would be incomplete without more children, but it is a miracle each and every time, and I would love to have that privilege again. Anyhow, just as I was feeling most sorry for myself, I felt a sense of peace and comfort come over me, certainly the works of the Spirit, as this was placed on my heart. That is, no matter what experiences remain for me here on earth, I have a beautiful baby boy waiting for me in heaven. Certainly I will hold a precious newborn again, little Cy. If 10 is to be my "perfect" number here, I should not be sad, but look forward to the eternal reward of heaven and the tiny baby waiting for me there. One more reason to focus on Jesus and His promise of new life.

In praise and gratitude of His comfort and consolation:
Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful, and enkindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit, and they shall be created, and you will renew the face of the earth.
Let us pray: Lord by the light of the Holy Spirit you have taught the hearts of your faithful. In the same Spirit help us to relish what is right and always rejoice in consolation. We ask you this through Christ our Lord. Amen

3 comments:

wife, mother and so much more! said...

I'm sorry about your loss of baby Cy and I'm sorry that you had a tough day because of it.

I believe that God gave me my two little ones, who I lost, not only to better understand those who have had a miscarriage but also because He knew that I needed that help from my little Saints in Heaven. I thank Him often for giving me Erin (who came a year to the day after my first miscarriage) and also for little Jamie (who came just over a year after miscarriage number two).

It's tough, and unless you haven't gone through a miscarriage yourself, you'll never understand the loss and sadness that a mom can go through. You and your family will continue to be in our prayers and maybe one day we'll both be pregnant together again!! :)

Anonymous said...

count your blessings...

some people only dream of angels I held one in my arms, until she was taken from me...
it is not time that heals...it is LOVE

jamie said...

Anon~ thank you for the gentle reminder. I am very aware of the many blessings. I was just sharing a moment of selfish weakness, and how God consoles us...enabling us to find good in all circumstances. My sympathy to you for your loss.