I've had lots of thoughts running through my head here lately, none of which I've been able to put into words too clearly. That is until I was catching up on a few blogs I like to frequent, and read a comment about another blog (sorry, I lost track of giving credit in the shuffle) in which someone was speaking of how our exterior life (or that way in which others perceive us) can vary greatly from our interior life (the life we really lead.) Thinking on that subject helped to pull a lot of my thoughts together. I've been feeling a bit like a phony lately when it comes to how I'm perceived verses what I'm actually doing to keep my spiritual life strong. It's created a bit of a block, if you will.
I've written a few times about family rosaries, going to Adoration, various prayers, etc., but the truth is, that as quickly as we attempt to grow in our faith and add a new ritual or prayer routine, something comes along (or real-time gets in the way) and our attempts are stymied. I've become very aware of a certain "dry spell" in my faith journey, where I seem to be just barely going through the motions. If it weren't for the kids, I may just find myself "falling from the wagon" completely.
I watched a beautiful family in front of us in church last week. Older siblings were helping the younger, while mom and dad had it all in control. It was a blessing to see. For a moment, I felt jealous for how well they had it together, and how easy they made it look. It occurred to me later, that I often hear "how good mannered" my brood is in church...and yet I feel as if that one hour in church is not really a clear picture of how things operate here. Just as it probably isn't for the family in front of me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, (and this is probably really obvious) I'm not the perfect, well organized, Betty Crocker, mom of the year. I'm just me, struggling at times to hear (and not be confused) by God's call. And more importantly, wanting to answer Him, but not always doing so. I hear God's knocking. I know He's opened windows/doors for me. I know He loves me, and I do love Him and want to do His will. I recognize that He wants a closer relationship with me. I'm constantly a work in progress, wanting desperately to be able to say clearly "Speak Lord. Your servant is listening."