Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Speak Lord, (I'm trying to hear over the noise!)

I've had lots of thoughts running through my head here lately, none of which I've been able to put into words too clearly. That is until I was catching up on a few blogs I like to frequent, and read a comment about another blog (sorry, I lost track of giving credit in the shuffle) in which someone was speaking of how our exterior life (or that way in which others perceive us) can vary greatly from our interior life (the life we really lead.) Thinking on that subject helped to pull a lot of my thoughts together. I've been feeling a bit like a phony lately when it comes to how I'm perceived verses what I'm actually doing to keep my spiritual life strong. It's created a bit of a block, if you will.
I've written a few times about family rosaries, going to Adoration, various prayers, etc., but the truth is, that as quickly as we attempt to grow in our faith and add a new ritual or prayer routine, something comes along (or real-time gets in the way) and our attempts are stymied. I've become very aware of a certain "dry spell" in my faith journey, where I seem to be just barely going through the motions. If it weren't for the kids, I may just find myself "falling from the wagon" completely.
I watched a beautiful family in front of us in church last week. Older siblings were helping the younger, while mom and dad had it all in control. It was a blessing to see. For a moment, I felt jealous for how well they had it together, and how easy they made it look. It occurred to me later, that I often hear "how good mannered" my brood is in church...and yet I feel as if that one hour in church is not really a clear picture of how things operate here. Just as it probably isn't for the family in front of me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, (and this is probably really obvious) I'm not the perfect, well organized, Betty Crocker, mom of the year. I'm just me, struggling at times to hear (and not be confused) by God's call. And more importantly, wanting to answer Him, but not always doing so. I hear God's knocking. I know He's opened windows/doors for me. I know He loves me, and I do love Him and want to do His will. I recognize that He wants a closer relationship with me. I'm constantly a work in progress, wanting desperately to be able to say clearly "Speak Lord. Your servant is listening."


Kurt H said...

And just when I thought I could see that halo over your head!

But seriously, we're all works in progress. Not even my dear wife, who knows me better than anyone, knows how much I struggle to keep my focus on the One who really matters.

It's tempting to think that everyone else has it together, and I'm the only one trying desperately to keep it from falling apart. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one.

Anonymous said...

whether we have 1 child or 10 in todays world of working full-time
outside activities, extended family obligations,friendships, and the usual household duties it is difficult to keep it all in perspective w/o loosing something in the process. Many times we do NOT do all these things to our full potential. Therefore I feel grateful/hopeful that HE will bear with me as I live(for the most part) a good life and HE will wait for me to give HIM my full attention. Bottom line HE knows I love HIM as I try to live the best Christian life at this point in my life

His Servant: Ann Kraeger said...

What you say reminds me of what my spiritual advisor said to me not long ago. That being on the outside looking in on someone else's life doesn't give you an idea of what is in their head 24/7. Walk a mile in their shoes and then you can feel the pebble that has been bothering them for the whole of the journey that they have been on.
What I have been saying is that we are all on a journey and that there are ebbs and flows along the way. Looking at someone else's perfect moment won't tell you about their lapses with daily prayer or habits of sin any more than their glimpse at your perfect moment will let them know the same about you. What matters is that you are aware of your lapses and your habits of sin and are trying daily to correct them. God doesn't count our successes he only looks at the efforts and our sincerity in making them. Thank God!!!!

jamie said...

thanks Ann, very beautifully stated.

...and just how long have you had your blog up and running? What a beautiful family you have. (Quite handsome young men!) Hope you won't mind if I check in from time to time. jamie