It occured to me, as I was driving home from work today, that it seems necessary for me to share a few thoughts on our big family. More importantly I guess, to share that trusting in God's plan, has not always been easy for me.
I'll start at the beginning, by remembering that having children, at first, did not come easy at all. John and I both had our share of infertility issues, and after procedures, surgeries, and even unsuccessful attempts at artificial insemination (at that time I couldn't begin to understand the Catholic church's stance on these issues), I finally prayed...really prayed, and released my pain to God. I begged him to just take over, and help me to deal with whatever He wanted for us. Perhaps I wasn't meant to be a mother afterall. I just wanted Him to lead, and to help me heal (and deal). Within a month I was pregnant with our twin daughters. I understand now, I just needed to allow Him to lead. After our fourth child was born, a new anxiety was taking over me. This time, I wanted to control again, my plan for our family. I felt overwhelmed with 4 children in just 3 years. I turned to contraception and prayed fiercely to the Blessed Mother. I'm ever grateful for her intercession. I felt horrible on the pill, so stopped it and was soon pregnant with our second set of twins. In that time, I learned even more to trust in the Lord. His plans are far greater than we can imagine for ourselves. And time and time again, He's helped us to realize that He will provide for us. There continue to be times when I question that we're doing what is "right." There are so many people who are quick to ask "How will you pay for college?" or "Where will they all sleep?" I just have faith, and pray. I've come to realize that as a mother, I'm building a cathedral here... the work I commit to raising our children may never be realized or fully appreciated in my lifetime. But I'm laying the foundation for something beautiful and magnificent to come, I hope.
Truth be told, I could never have imagined this life for myself. I couldn't have in my wildest dreams. I wasn't born or raised with any greater knowledge than anyone else about raising a large family. I had just two brothers. But as I grow in faith of our Father who loves us, I know more each day..."he does not call the equipped, rather he equips the called." It's difficult to move beyond the fear, but so necessary to grow closer to Him.
God Bless!
