life

Sorry I was absent from the blog again yesterday. It seems I had so much to share, and yet couldn't find the words to process what I needed to say. I'm still not entirely sure I'm ready.

I love my jobs. The one God chose for me, and the one I chose for myself. They are so entirely different, and yet connected and similar all at the same time. Parallel might be a good word.

At home, I'm surrounded by LIFE...young, vibrant, energetic, optimistic and hopefilled little ones. Fearless and carefree and trusting because they've not yet experienced real pain or disappointment, or heartbreak, or loss of any kind. And yet, completely dependent on John and I to provide and care for them. It's refreshing and exhausting all at once. I love these lives and the fullness they bring to mine.

At work, the lives that touch mine are ones who've seen a lifetime of love and loss. Their spirits are strong even when their physical selves are tired and failing. They have experienced joys and sorrows. Their eyes are filled with the wisdom that comes with knowing real love and loss. They have watched their children grow, and some have even seen their children pass from this world before them. While many remain active and strong in service to others, many more have become dependent on others to care for them. I love these lives and the fullness they bring to mine.

On Thursday, I was asked to accompany a woman and her husband to her first consultation with an oncologist. I won't go into great detail, but the news was the worst. No cure. Inoperable. Only treatments for comfort measures. And things are moving fast. Time is short. It was a tough pill to swallow. (In case I've never said it before, Cancer sucks.)
And as we sat for the long car ride home, mostly in silence, I couldn't help but think what a difficult journey lay ahead of them. Her simple words still ring in my ears, "I'm not afraid of dying, I just worry about all I'm leaving behind."

Over these last couple days, I'm left with so many thoughts resonating...the value of life at all stages. My heart aching for this couple, as husband learns to become caregiver for his up-until-now independent wife. I think about the uncertainties in our own lives here, and while we all know earth is just our trial, it's all we know. It's comfortable, and familiar, and our most treasured gifts...our peeps...are right here. And yet, we have to live our lives ready to let go. No clinging. Because clinging makes it harder when we get those words...if we're gifted to recieve those words...because most of us won't get a "final notice."
I don't know. Is recieving the news that you have a short amount of time to live a gift? That's been swimming in my head too. How much would those words change what's important in our lives, change what we're clinging to, and more importantly change what we're willing to let go of?

Regardless, they thanked me incessantly for going to the appointment with them. I am the one feeling incredibly grateful, humbled, privelaged. Truly, when our lives connect like this, and we can feel love and compassion, we are living in that moment the way God wants us to. We are in fact one body. And to feel each other's pain is feeling Christ's pain. Denying ourselves, taking up our cross, and following him.

May you feel the blessings of a life truly lived.

and then there were two

These are my babies. Yes...babies. All growin' up, wanting to be big kids, headin' out the door to preschool today. And yet in my mind...these are the babies of the family. My other kids seemed so much older at this same age (if that makes any sense?!)

Anyhow. Just as planned, I scooted them out, chauffeured them around the block to "Jackie's" for their first day of preschool. And when we got home, Lucy and Anne and I danced in the rain around the driveway to get the mail. And it was a bittersweet dance. Mostly I wanted to cry a little bit...but Lucy was so darned excited to have me all to herself (as soon as Anne got to nappin' as scheduled, which couldn't come fast enough as far as Lucy was concerned.) And I was happy to be home with my little girls too. So we danced. And when we walked into the house, I sighed "Doesn't it seem quiet."
And Lucy laughed, "Nope...I can hear the refrigerator."
And for the first time in a long time, I could hear the refrigerator too. And I thought, man! It is quiet!
Anne took her usual afternoon nap, just after a bottle and some playtime on the floor. And afterwards Lucy and I played "home school" with special time on the computer...checking out games on Nick Jr. and Disney Jr. websites. A rare (very rare) treat. We colored, and did crafts, and even read some stories. And in no time at all, we were picking up my babies, I mean big kids, from preschool.
And I learned in 30 seconds, more than I've ever heard about any of the other 7 kids' preschool experiences combined. Ever. That Rose can talk! About songs, and dancing, and friends, and puzzles, and clean-up time, and on and on and on. All the while Frank just grinned from ear-to-ear, throwing in a hearty "Yep" or "Yuh-huh!" from time to time. All is right with their world...now I've just got to get "okay" with mine...with just my two babies here at home.

Frank's fast fact:

More life lessons from the five year old with widsom beyond his years. Well, okay...he's five. That much is true.

Overheard yesterday while roasting hotdogs over an open fire:
Frank shares with older brother Charlie that "It's true, if you eat a
hotdog with ashes on it, you'll poop fire for sure!"

recipe box

I mentioned yesterday that I was trying out a new recipe for Zucchini Brownies, and got a request to share if they were any good.
To be entirely honest though, I must comment that while these "brownies" are delicious, they will not get eaten here. For one, it makes a ginormous batch (recipe recommends a jelly roll pan...I split them into a 9x13 and 8x8.) Okay...ginormous is typically not a problem when talking chocolate, however: Problem number two, is that these by our definition of the word, are not (gooey, fudgey, chocolatey) brownies, rather...a supermoist springy chocolate cake. Most definitely CAKE. And when you have a hankerin' for brownies, CAKE just won't do. And finally...we don't eat our own kind...that is...the kids here won't eat nuts. I thought this would work to my advantage, but doggonit, I was cravin' brownies!
Tonight I tried to serve it up as cake with ice cream for dinner...nobody would have it, cause they recognized it immediately as last night's failed brownies.
My point...do yourself a favor, and call it CHOCOLATE (ZUCCHINI) NUT CAKE from the get-go, and you will not be disappointed!
The recipe:

Chocolate Zucchini Nut Cake
4 eggs
1 1/2 cup oil
2 cups sugar
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp salt
4 Tbsp cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
3 cups shredded zucchini
1 cup nuts
Preheat oven to 350. In large mixing bowl, beat together eggs, oil and sugar. In a seperate medium mixing bowl, sift together flour, baking soda, cinnamon, salt and cocoa. Add to egg mixture. Then add vanilla, zucchini and nuts. Mix all together and spread onto greased 10x15 jelly roll pan. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Can be frosted, but also good plain. (Or with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a drizzle of chocolate syrup)

laborin' away....

Cooler weather today!
Oh, I love the autumn feel to the air today...temps in the 6o's and cool breezes forcing us to dress in layers again. We started a backyard fire this morning...burning some old lumber as we clean out the garage and work in the yard. Of course there's plenty more wood back on the wood pile to keep it going all day. We'll be roasting some hotdogs for lunch, and definitely 'smores later today. Chili's cooking on the stove for supper this evening, zucchini brownies (a new recipe) in the oven. Even kids are laborin' away...working to build a bicycle ramp from old wood they snagged from the garage. Bicycle tires are being repaired. Summer pool toys and squirt guns being packed away in the garage attic for another year. Neighbor kids wandering in to help as well.

What a perfect end to the summer. Though I suspect we'll have a few heat waves yet to come. Nothing like digging for shorts when temps spike to the near-90's in early october. Boooo.Bring on more of this fall feelin'Have a blessed labor day everyone!

God Bless Dad!

...at the center of several projects to help the kids...including replacing blown bike tubes, building a skate ramp (pray for us), organizing garage toys, keeping the bonfire going with wood he's got the boys tearing apart with hand saws (really, pray for us!) and plans to mow the yard yet (or perhaps convince one of the older kids to do so.)

No rest for the weary this Labor Day.

led by the Spirit

Was cleaning/sorting through some paperwork last evening in preparation for my 2nd grade religion class when this prayer just found me.

"Dear God,
Today as I reflect on what's ahead for me I ask for your guidance to make decisions that bring me closer to you.
Help me to know your voice and believe in the power of your gifts in me.
I trust that you will lead me amidst the uncertainties of life.
Give me the courage to follow you today as you lead me to tomorrow.
Amen."

I never ceased to be amazed at how clearly the Holy Spirit speaks to us when our hearts are open...and we're paying attention. I think I spent the last year oblivious...but suddenly, it's as if I'm being bombarded with thoughts/suggestions/words that are certainly not my own. And although a bit overwhelming and even frightening at times...I just have to keep listening, try to sort them out, and roll with it.
I've had the privelage of being invited to speak with FOUR women's groups in surrounding areas over the next couple months. FOUR. What in the world was I thinking to say Yes to them all?! It's that "keeping the heart/mind open, and rolling with it" thing. It's either gonna get me in big trouble, or please the Lord. Hopefully the latter. I know He's working to give me the words...just have to start putting it all into neat little categories and planning for these upcoming talks. Prayers would be greatly appreciated...the one above seemed a perfect find in light of the anxiety I'm beginning to feel about what I agreed to.

Lord Help me, and Thank you God.

Frank's fast fact:

Now preparing for preschool, this little guy is just FULL of fabulous factoids.
Today he blurted this out of nowhere:

"Jesus definitely does not pee his pants anymore!"

(but apparently did at some point?)
I'm still snickering.

I'm tellin ya, he's so full of it...'Frank's Fast Fact' may become a regular "column" in this here blog.

a letter to my angel

My dear little Cy,
It's hard to believe you'd be two already! In many ways it seems like just yesterday...
It's true that time does heal, but it certainly doesn't let us forget. Yesterday you were heavy on my mind. God slipped you into my thoughts several times throughout the day...what a gift. Your big brother John was filling out his paper "All About Me" in his religion class and on the part where he had to write how many people are in his family...he wrote 14. He always counts you. Sometimes when I see or hear him counting you it makes me feel uncomfortable, like there's something I need to explain. I'm sorry if you know that. He's so right, and I'm wrong. I realize that now. Because you do count baby boy! Forever will there be a place in my heart for you just as sure as there's a place for your eleven brothers and sisters here with me. There is joy in being assured that some day I will get to know you better...in heaven, when we're both with Jesus. I hope he's keeping you good company...I'm sure he is. And Grandma Alice too. I bet she loves knowing you and being Grandma to you there...it's important for you to be there for her too, cause I bet she misses lovin on all her grandbabies.
Yesterday afternoon as your other Grandma and I were moving furniture and cleaning, we moved the angel statue from on top the tv over the the fireplace. It looks so good there now. Grandma asked where the pretty angel came from and I said your name..."It was for Cy." Just like that I said your name...not in prayer, like usual...but in conversation. And saying it like that felt good...and real...and painful too. All that hurt of losing you came back. But that's okay, so I was so glad to remember that you're still there for me. My little boy. I love you. And I thank God for the gift of you, even though I never got to unwrap it. The gift of holding you will wait. And oh what a gift that will be someday. We must be patient though... I have all these gifts here who need their mama too.
In the mean time...I love you. Say hi to Grandma, and Jesus, and all our friends there.
I love you Cy,
Mom

prayers to st. joseph

Okay, so I'm pretty sure I failed to mention that over the summer we stuck one of these in our yard...

(sorry 'bout that. It seems I really let things slip here on the blog.)

Anyhow. This morning I got the call from the realtor's office that someone wanted to come thru today. (Yay!! WOoohoo! Cartwheels, Bring on the buyers!) And then reality set in as I scanned the kitchen counter top full of school papers, walls covered with "homeschool" art projects, tv room pouring with toys. And that was just what I could see while I stood sipping coffee in my jammies chatting with the receptionist on the other end of the phone. Oh my. "Today?! Seriously? Ummm...yes, that'd be great."

Needless to say, a cold beer and a pizza ordered out (to eat at my parents...cause we had to be out of our house at dinner time) tasted Damn good this evening!

It was a mad dash of picking up, dusting, and doing anything we could to make our lovely little home sparkle. I tell ya. Whew...I'm exhausted. I'm praying (as often as I can think of him) to our Dear Saint Joseph for his intercession on the sale of this humble abode...soon. Not lovin' the last minute scramble to get ready for "showings." Would love your prayers with us on this. God Bless!

s.p.d.

(Can you tell that John got a cell phone...and we're texting more?! I'm all about abbreviations, and shortened phrases. s.p.d. That's my lingo for school picture day.)

See the young'ns here at home want to be doing all the same cool stuff that the big kids do at school, so today they fancied up (i.e. washed the lunch off their face without my nagging) and begged for a home-school picture day. (Okay...I don't really home-school...I won't even pretend to be equipped to know how to do that...but we call coloring, and cutting/pasting, and sorting skittles by color into little cups "homeschool." And everyone's happy.)

So anyways...kids wanted home-school pictures. 'Cept there's one problem...I stink at photography...and my camera stinks even worse than me. So it went something like this...

lets see...that's my big foot and Anne's tiny too-cute toesies. Apparently not as well balanced as I first thought...

oh, but this is a little better...or at least it would have been if my camera took the picture when I pressed the God-forsaken button. What's with the seven minute delay?!

there's that dang delay again! Get back here Annie!!!!

"What do you mean the sun's in your eyes?!"

Work with me, Frank!

Yep...go ahead...eat that mulch...I can wait. (probably need a little more fiber in your diet anyway.) No really...it's okay. AhhhhhH!!!!!!!!

Aaarggghhh. The frustration of it all. Seriously.

Okay, luckily...not so seriously.

We regrouped...laughed a little...and came out with some good ones. Maybe not school yearbook worthy...but perfectly imperfect for this (not-so) homeschoolin' momma of many!

There's my Frank-o! (hold the ketchup, heavy on the CHEESE!)

And Rose...what's not to love about that laugh (and the thumb-suckin' gap in her teeth! Yumm!)

Oh, and Princess Lucy...why yes...she would LOVE to have your vote for Prom Queen!





This belly laughter is priceless...better than any posed smile I nearly hurt myself trying to capture! Love you Annie!!!

and of course...every class needs a couple of clowns...pictures are so much better when we're "dressed up" for them!

first day of school pics

(better late than never, right?!)

Sam (5th gr.), Emma & Alice (6th gr.), Grace (3rd), Mary & John (2nd), Charlie (kind.)

In just a couple weeks Frank and Rose will head off to preschool.

Meeting up with some of the neighbor kids to head off for their first day.

(Rosie was the only young one to venture out in her pajamas to see them off.)

Later that same day, the rest of the crew posed with Charlie just before we walked with him for his first day of afternoon kindergarden.

sunday night laundry scramble

I mentioned last week that I'm taking a "hands off" laundry approach to our quieter school days in an attempt to fully enjoy time with these little ones. Yep, that was just silly. Don't get me wrong, our days at home without the "big kids" has been dreamy...games, puzzles, snuggly books, bike rides, all the good stuff!! But after a few days of school, a crazy-busy weekend of football, shopping, extended-family dinner, late night campfires with 'smores, church, and hiking at Brukner Nature Center...I'm reminded this evening by 4 young ladies that...
"Mom!!! Tomorrow's picture day! What are we supposed to wear?!" (the boys could've cared less...actually they hoped I'd forget.)

Oh Lord. Help me.

So it's midnight, and I'm just wrapping up laundry. Fortunately, I've kept the washer/dryer running daily. It's just the fold/put-away piece of the equasion that I'd been neglecting. It's all done now, though.

This week, in addition to coloring and shape-sorting, I'll be teaching home-ec/laundry education in our tiny tot home school. No more waiting till there are mounds to put away. Mama needs her beauty sleep.

g'night all. and God Bless!

so BUSTED!

(and lovin' it!)

"Who me? (innocently holding her little foot up) It wasn't me mom!"

as school begins...

I'm attempting to make blogging routine again. But, as you know I'm a little out of practice, so bare with me. For now I'll give you a "yes...what she said!" post. Why reinvent the wheel?!

As I scanned a couple of my favorite reads this morning, I came across this post written by G~ at her Momastery blog. She writes a thousand times more eloquently than I ever could...and shared this most awesome post about recognizing our kids treasures/gifts that MUST be read/shared by as many as possible.

AMEN, I say to her. AMEN!

Please take the couple minutes to read it...grab a few tissues first...it's beee-ute-i-iful!

BTS

That's Back To School...back to business...back to alarm clocks, and homework, and snack-packing, gym shoe reminders, milk money, lunch accounts, practice schedules and other after-school where-a-bouts, clothes picked out and lined up before bed...oh, and bedtimes for heaven sakes! Bedtimes...before dark. Oh, the horror!

Admittedly though, despite the necessary evils that come with it...we're genuinely excited about the start of a new school year. I feel "accomplished" when I'm dressed and coffee'd up before 7:30. I can't say that was true...EVER...during the summer months. Early bird is just not in my nature. But its a good change. The kids were ready to bust out the front door this morning, and greet the neighbors who were gathering outside for first-day pictures. All of them excited to meet their new teachers, and sniff fresh notebooks...and sharpen pencils...and place that first doodle on their crisp folders.

A new beginning. An ending too. Funny how life keeps us moving along...ready or not. Now seven backpacks lined up on the window seat in the kitchen. Seven. SEVEN! That makes me pause and count again. Yep. Seven. That's just 4 left at home...for a couple more weeks until Frank and Rose line their backpacks up for the start of preschool. Oi.

What will Lucy and Anne and I do those quiet afternoons? (lots of folks ask me...) With all that quiet? What will we do? "Soak it up!" I say. Hopefully with lots of books, and snuggles, and games, and whatever it is we can do to enjoy these days ahead. We will talk and dance and laugh and sing...I hope EVERYDAY! Cause just yesterday...there were only two backpacks lined up...and now there are SEVEN, soon to be NINE. And I don't want to blink...I want to enter this "quiet" school year with my eyes wide open...hands far removed from the temptations of laundry and dishes...and SOAK UP those couple hours of quiet with my babies here at home. In all the hustle and bustle of our daily life, I've come to be certain of a couple things...God's love for me is everlasting...and time is not. Make the most of each. (oh...and no diaper is truly leak-proof, no matter what the label claims.) Of these things I can be sure.

Happy back-to-school year everyone! Soak it up, and God Bless!

theme for the day: constance

It's not at all unusual for me to throw out a "theme for the day" at mealtime here, just to stir things up a bit. Yesterday's lunch was "stick foods." We had corndogs, pretzel sticks, and strawberries served up on toothpicks. Of course we had popsicles for dessert.

Apparently our good Lord likes theme days as well.

Today's theme: "constance." I don't think that's a word used too often anymore...but it was stamped on my brain all day long as the Holy Spirit continued to show me examples.

The word first crept in on my drive to work this morning. After a long sleepless night, with a feverish/restless baby Anne, I sat drinking my coffee, numb and praying for the strength/energy to do a good job today. For only an instant, I'd wished away the sleepless night...wishing I was better prepared for the day ahead of me. And then I was overcome with tears at how grateful I felt for just such a night. Shame on me for wanting to wish it away! Oh, with busy days of what sometimes seem mundane household duties ...the infrequent opportunity to snuggle all night with a baby that's growing much too quickly is truly a blessing indeed. The day will come too soon, when she will depend on me no longer. And then my tears increased to imagine a day when there are children in this house no longer. Who will need me? What will I do then? You see in all the chaos now, and the quiet that is to come; as our duties change through the years, leaving us uncertain of what's to come; I am reminded of God's constance. His steadfastness. His faithfulness. His love for me never changes. And whether I acknowledge Him or not, He is there. Waiting for me. Loving me. Always. Without fail. He is the strength and energy that gets me through a beautifully busy day. He is within me as I care for those who need me most...at home, at work. Constance.

There are four nurses pitching in to cover hours for a full-time nurse gone-a-traveling with her husband to Alaska for the month. I'm one of them. Four women, trying to fill the huge shoes of an amazing nurse, who's constance and quality of care for our residents are top-notch! It's not a terribly difficult job, but there is something about the continuity and compassion she brings to the office. She sets the bar high. Anyhow, as I struggled through e-mails and caught up on notes and requests for the last week, I missed her terribly. And was reminded once again: constance.
Yes Lord, I'm listening. I know You are too. Thank you for the gentle reminders.

Okay, so I recognize...just as I struggle to make a fruit work on "stick day" (strawberries and toothpicks), God also gets a little clever. As my mom was heading out the door after watching the kids for me all day, she mentioned that she wouldn't be over for coffee tomorrow morning.
"Whatcha got going on?" I asked.
"Not, much. Going out for the day with Connie."
(of course~my Godmother~her given name: Constance.)



Psalm 136
1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.

raspberries.

She's been giving us the raspberries for months.
Yesterday...we gave them back.

After squeezing the life out of them...

And sucking on them a bit...drooling and dribbling of course....

Ooooooh....sour...

...and sweet....

...SHE LOVES THEM!!!!

I LOVE SUMMER!!!

I love library books.
And backyard baseball before the breakfast dishes are even cleared.
I love naked-toes.
And grass-stained feet.
Freeze pops.
Tents made with blankets and pins on the clothesline.
Kids riding bikes and "meeting up" instead of calling.
Piggy tails and sweaty necks.
Sand in the bathtub after a day at the beach.
noon-time picnics in our backyard.
juicy pink watermelon...though my kids don't know about spitting the seeds. They were raised in the "seedless" era.
blackened grilled hotdogs...who needs a bun?!
pitch and catch
babies on blankets in the grass under a shady tree
I love quiet evenings...early backyard campfires.
(with or without marshmallows....though WITH is better.)
Chasing lightning bugs, and capturing them in a peanut butter jar overnight.
Evening breezes and snuggle blankets with popcorn on the back patio.
The hum of a box fan bringing cool night air.
The feeling that we can do anything, go anywhere, at the drop of a hat...but choose instead to be right here...enjoying our own backyard.
living a busy crazy life, at a snails pace, and finding God in it all...through the eyes of our children.

God is good.

celebrating good health

(More to the point...celebrating one healthy kidney!)

You see, this little guy was born with a condition called sumthin' sumthin' blah blah blah...kidney disease. (Okay, so I do remember the whole name, but we'll call it MCDK disease for short.) Anywhoooo... we follow up with a specialist every year to keep an eye on the "bad" kidney, which has slowly been shriveling up into nothingness since birth. Now, it's officially gone. No more yucky Left kidney. Just one healthy "beautiful" (yes that's a direct quote from our good doc!) kidney remaining, and functioning perfectly.

No more follow-ups...no more worries about that business.

So we celebrated good health; celebrated one perfectly healthy beautiful kidney the best way we knew how....with a fun lunch.

The two of us stopped by a Chipotle on the way home (we were first-timers) and toasted good news with a burrito the size of John's head!

Cheers!
No lookin' back baby!
~neither of us were sadly disappointed to learn that kick-boxing, cage-fighting, and ATV riding (among other things we're not likely to try) are off limits to keep the "good" kidney safe. We can live with that.

...and lest I not forget. Praise God! And many thanks to the Blessed Mother for her kindness and intercession.

"Oh Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee."

8 months

Today, she cries when I walk out of the room...
In a few years, she'll be begging for some alone time.

Like clock-work, that whole 8 month=seperation anxiety has kicked in. She can go from laughing to tears in a heartbeat as I step out of her line of sight, and right back to giggling when she spots me again. It's almost comical, except that those crocodile tears just rip my heart right out of my chest. Oh, sheee's goooooood.

Oh, and new this week...Annie's STANDING! That little turkey is pulling herself up to ev-ry-thing! Her first successful attempt, was to the back door...checking out pretty flowers? or trying to escape? Hard to say...I'll choose to believe she's just interested in the pink pretties.